Thursday, December 08, 2005

If medical treatment were covered by the mainstream media:


In an exclusive interview, we have obtained this information from a certain E. coli.

Incredibly, Mr. coli has survived a recent, unprovoked attack by government approved forces. Attacking in overwhelming numbers, the agents, known as "white cells" destroyed Mr. coli's entire community.

The details are staggering. "All we wanted was to survive," Mr. coli relates regarding his friends, family members and others in the community. "We were just hanging around, dividing, you know, for survival of the species, when the attackers swept in. No mercy. We were all targeted."

Fortunate to have mutated at the last minute, Mr. coli was the only survivor. "I was lucky to get out. Those white cells were inhuman. I saw them eating other coli's whole."

“And don’t get me started on calling them ‘white cells.’ These cells greatly outnumber the downtrodden bacteria. Our minority status is being ignored. I demand that the administration immediately give me nutrients as reparation.” These remarks were submitted as part of a package of prepared comments by the Reverend Gimme More, of the Church of the Feculent.

Unnamed sources high in the government have verified that it is government policy to use overwhelming force and try to destroy any bacteria immediately upon detection. This policy does not take into account the rights of the bacteria and doesn't allow for due process.

"No Geneva Protocols are observed," according to our source. "The Attorney General has advised that we should follow a 'take no prisoners' approach."

Kleb Siella, a spokesman for the Bringing U Global Sickness, or BUGS, has details of the use of Weapons of Mass Destruction. "I have personally seen white blood cells release chemical weapons in the vicinity of newly divided cells. These babies were eaten away by the chemicals they call 'enzymes.'"

We have uncovered details that, high up in the thalamus, the President and his staff are plotting to use thermal weapons! President M. O. Ron reportedly told his Secretary of Defense, Luke O. Cyte, to try raising the temperature in an attempt to cook these helpless, harmless residents. Critics, being much smarter, have pointed out that this is a violation of the Kyoto treaty.

Of course, this is proof positive that the administration is responsible for global warming.

Stated Mr. Siella, "The position that these are invaders is preposterous. That is just more bias against immigrants from a hostile administration."

Claiming to have formed a coalition, Secretary of State Chemo Tactic has attempted to attract others to join this blatantly illegal attack against residents in our body. Some have said that Secretary of Nutrition, Pan Creaz, has informed the muscles that she will withhold glucose if they don't immediately begin shivering. This action will result in raised temperatures, a maneuver that has been criticized by foreign leaders such as President Jacque Pneumococcus. "We won't participate in this illegal action," President Pneumococcus stated forcefully.

“Whenever he speaks, I just get lightheaded and short of breath,” stated Senator Diz Pnea, wife of the former president. “He is so handsome. I would believe him over our selected/not elected President M. O. Ron anyway. Don’t you just love that accent?”

Additional opposition has come from Senator Ima P. Nis. “When I was visited by Gon O. Rhea, I just sat back and enjoyed it. Why is he so angry? These bacteria have a right to live, too. And I look French and served in Vaginanam,” added the former candidate for the presidency, who would have won, had not his opponent caused premature division of some cells in the colon and co-opted their votes. "Besides, I voted for it before I voted against it."

You may recall, because we write about it 3 times every day, that Senator Nis is a decorated war hero, having served in Vaginanam for 30 minutes. Others have criticized his service, saying it was only 60 seconds, but Senator Nis is quick to point out that he was withdrawn prematurely and that his opponents don’t even know the difference between two inches and six inches.

None other that the mighty Secretary General of the United Nosepickers, the UN, has labeled the current slaughter “germicide.” Secretary A. Nus has vowed to bring charges in the International Court of the Hepata for this illegal, unilateral action.

National Security Advisor Andy Biotic denied that this action was illegal or unilateral. He pointed to resolutions by the Cortex authorizing the use of force for defense of the corpus. He listed other coalition members, such as Mucus, Cilia and T-Cells.

But everybody knows he’s a liar with ties to multiple drug companies.

Former CEO of Ortho-McNeil, Vice-President Leva Quinn continues to refuse access to records of his (probably illegal) “Immune System” committee meetings. These meeting were held in the Thymus during the first term.